Cinderella's Slipper: Finding Your Own Fit

My mother's favorite Disney princess was Cinderella. I remember watching the movie as a child, captivated by the idea of a young woman finding her prince and living happily ever after. The scene where Cinderella leaves her glass slipper on the staircase is particularly moving. The prince searches tirelessly for the woman who fits the shoe perfectly, symbolizing the unique and irreplaceable nature of Cinderella's true love.

Cinderella's stepsisters, in their desperation to fit into the slipper, resort to extreme measures, causing themselves great pain. This reminds me of the lengths people sometimes go to to fit into societal expectations or the mold of someone they're not. In the Brothers Grimm version, the stepsisters' effort escalates to a horrifying point, symbolizing the destructive nature of jealousy, envy, and the desperate desire to please their mother, who desired for them to become queens. Their actions highlight the lengths people will go to for societal status, familial approval, and personal gain, even at the expense of their own well-being and the well-being of others.

Something I never understood until I lost my mother is the profound impact of losing a loved one. It's more than just losing a person; it's like losing a cornerstone of your life, a familiar map, or a vital piece of your identity. The loss can leave you feeling adrift, disoriented, and incomplete.

I struggled with this for a long time. There have been many times when I've felt pressure to fill the void left by my mother, as if her absence wouldn't be as painful if I could somehow step into her shoes. I've also felt the weight of other people's expectations. But I've come to realize that trying to fit into shoes that aren't mine is a pointless and painful endeavor. It's like trying to force a square peg into a round hole.

Just as the prince in Cinderella's story couldn't find anyone who could fill the glass slipper perfectly, I've come to understand that there is no one who can replace my mother. She was a unique and irreplaceable part of my life. While I may never fully recover from her loss, I've learned to honor her memory by embracing my own individuality and living a life that is true to myself.

Ever felt like you're constantly trying to please everyone else, even if it means putting yourself last? Maybe you've felt pressured to live up to the picture-perfect lives we see online, sacrificing your own happiness and well-being. Perhaps you've lost someone close and feel a deep need to fill their shoes like I have.

But let's face it: we're human, not God. We can't be everything to everyone, and we certainly can't replicate the lives we see filtered on social media. That's where boundaries come in. Setting boundaries for your heart and mind is essential to protecting your well-being and living a more authentic life.

The idea of setting boundaries and saying no can seem daunting. You might fear losing friends, feeling lonely, or being perceived as weak. However, I've learned that boundaries are essential for protecting my heart and relationships. They allow us to love ourselves and others authentically, without sacrificing the best of who we are. By setting boundaries, we can avoid burnout, maintain our sense of self, and build stronger, more meaningful connections.

Their Disappointment is Not Your Identity

If you're like me, setting boundaries can be challenging. Despite my best efforts to communicate my needs and limits, some people repeatedly disregard them. No matter how many times I explain how their actions hurt me and they promise to change they often revert to their old behaviors. This leaves me feeling disrespected, unloved, and unheard. I beat myself up for letting my guard down, only to be disappointed again. It's like I'm stuck in a cycle of hurt and disappointment. I don't want to be seen as unloving or let people down, so I keep opening my heart, only to have it broken again. It's a painful dance that I have struggled to stop.

My therapist and I have worked extensively on the concept of boundaries. She helped me visualize my boundaries as a house that protects everything important to me. Around this house is a fence with a lock that only I have the code to. I've entrusted the code to some people that respect my home, but others have abused this access by inviting themselves over without notice, eating all my food, criticizing my home, or throwing get-togethers without asking my permission. Despite my repeated requests for them to stop, they continue to invade my space.

I've tried changing the lock, but these individuals often react with anger or guilt-tripping, making me feel obligated to give them the code. I end up exhausted and paying the consequence of what these people are doing wrong, while they continue to live their lives as if nothing happened. This cycle of disrespect and manipulation can be dangerous and damaging. Does this sound familiar to you? I know I'm not alone in this struggle.

I have a friend who becomes jealous whenever I spend time with a group of friends. She tells me she wants to be as close to me as they are, but she never makes any effort to reach out. It feels like I'm expected to do all the work. I've told her that if she wants the same level of friendship, she needs to put in the effort instead of criticizing me. I've tried inviting her to lunch, calling her, and having heart-to-heart conversations, even inviting her to spend time with my group of friends, but nothing changes. She constantly compares herself to my friends and makes me feel bad for her not feeling good enough.

I'm exhausted from this one-sided relationship, so I've set boundaries. In the past, I was afraid of how she'd react. I thought she'd feel unloved or think I'm mean for not allowing her the same access as my other friends who have shown love and effort. But ultimately, it's not up to her to decide who I am, but it is God who decides who I am. Boundaries are biblical... but I will get to that point later.

The truth is that we cannot control what others believe about us, feel about us, or say about us, but we can control our actions and thought life. When I continued to let this person into my fence, I continued feeling violated and hurt. But when I changed the code, I finally began to feel some peace because I was no longer attaching her feelings of disappointment toward me to my identity. As 1 Peter 2:23 says about Jesus, "When they hurled their insults at him [Jesus], he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, He entrusted himself to him who judges justly."

Setting boundaries is not about threatening a relationship with someone or controlling what others think of us, but protecting our metaphorical home (our hearts) that we are responsible for. The shoes my friend was trying to make me fill, I decided were no longer mine to painfully try to fit into. And for the first time, I was okay with letting her down and I felt so free in doing so. I want to encourage you that it's okay to change the code to your fence. While some people may see this as 'unloving,' you're actually loving yourself and allowing yourself the energy for what's important to you. If you're giving someone level 10 access and they can only demonstrate level 5 responsibility, it doesn't make much sense to give them level 10 access, does it?

Boundaries Are a God Idea

I've been reading Lysa Terkeurst's book, 'Good Boundaries & Goodbyes,' and it's been incredibly transformative. It's changed how I view dysfunctional relationships, set boundaries, and even respect the boundaries of others. Not only has it been informative, but it's also been convicting.

One thing I've loved learning is that boundaries go back to the beginning of time, when God created heaven, earth, and everything in it. I love how Lysa highlights the importance of boundaries: "The absence of boundaries means the presence of chaos."

From the beginning, God gave boundaries to Adam and Eve. He told them they could eat from any tree in the garden except for the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, warning them that they would certainly die if they did. God was very direct with the boundary and even told them the consequences beforehand. Have you ever gotten frustrated when a rule or boundary was unclear and you felt uncertain about what you could or could not do or say? God simply laid out His boundaries clearly. Clarity is kindness.

As I mentioned earlier, access to our homes and fences requires a certain level of responsibility. In this case, the Lord had given Adam and Eve complete access to the Garden of Eden, a perfect place. He gave them responsibility. Genesis 2:15 says, 'The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it.' Adam and Eve were given a sacred responsibility to guard and protect what God had given them access to.

This reminds me of the verse, 'Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it,' in Proverbs 4:23. This verse points to the importance of laying boundaries around our hearts to protect our testimony, bear fruit, and love others without losing ourselves in the process.

God setting a boundary and giving Adam and Eve a consequence can be interpreted as cruel if we don't understand His heart behind it. If you have a young child and tell them not to put their hand on the hot stove or they will burn themselves, you've given them a clear warning and shown kindness in wanting to protect them before they make a harmful decision. However, if the child disobeys, you'll likely have to let them face the consequence of a burned hand.

Of course, the child's choice wouldn't make you love them any less, and you'd have grace for them. However, you wouldn't condone their behavior and enable them to make the same choice again. The child must learn that there are consequences for disobedience.

If God hadn't upheld His boundary with Adam and Eve, what would they have learned from sinning against Him? They would have learned nothing and continued eating from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, living in a state of decay. But in His loving kindness, God sent them out of the Garden of Eden to prevent them from eating from the Tree of Life and living eternally in their state of decay.

God may have made Adam and Eve pay the consequence, but their knowledge of God's perfect love never left them. God didn't abandon them. We see later on that Jesus laid down His life for sinners to give us a second chance at life. But it wasn't so we could keep on sinning. It was to have a second chance to be made right with God by choosing and desiring to live for Him rather than for our own selfish desires. God wants us to live up to the responsibilities He has entrusted to us. Jesus has compassion on us and offers us salvation, but if we reject Him, we will not enter Heaven. There is a difference between being a Christian and being a disciple of Christ. We need to fully choose Jesus and live in intimacy with Him. He wants us to KNOW Him like we know our best friend and choose Him as He has chosen us. The opportunity that God gives us is true love.

I love how Lysa wrote it in her book, "God established boundaries to protect intimacy, not decimate it. And we should do the same."

What Slipper Are You Trying to Fill?

Remember when I said that sometimes it felt like if I could fill my mother's shoes, maybe her loss wouldn't feel as difficult? When my sister got engaged, this feeling weighed on me more than anything. I wanted everything to be perfect. I tried desperately to think as my mother would think and do as she would do. I didn't want my sister to feel her loss during her wedding if I could help it... but I was killing myself in the process.

I remember the night before her bridal shower, I stayed up the entire night planning, prepping, and making the cake. My father walked downstairs and said, "Holly, you need to go to bed." Even my friends said, "I don't like what this is doing to you." I broke down in tears from exhaustion. My father hugged me, and we cried together because we both knew that no matter what I did or how hard I worked, nothing could fill the void left behind by my mother.

I couldn't fill my mother's shoes as I helped my sister wedding dress shop, put on her wedding dress before she walked down the aisle, or pick out her wedding jewelry. I was losing the best of who I was because I was trying to fill my mother's glass slipper, which I could never, ever fill.

Maybe you can relate to this in your own way. Maybe you feel like you need to fit the expectations placed on you by your parents and be what they dreamed you would be. Maybe you struggle with perfectionism like I have and burn yourself out trying to make everything as immaculate as possible. Maybe you're trying to fit the cookie-cutter mold that you feel you need to be for your significant other, but no matter how hard you try, you don't seem to feel good enough.

I want to tell you, friend, you are enough just as you are. Life is not a race, performance, or competition. If you're struggling with feeling entrapped in sin or not feeling good enough, the Lord says in Matthew 11:28-30, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." The burdens you may have placed on yourself to fill the shoes you never were meant to fill no longer have to weigh you down. You can only do what you can and trust God with the rest.

When I was trying to plan everything for my sister, though it was done in love, the weight of the responsibility I was placing on myself and the lack of boundaries I was placing on my heart, finances, and time were causing simmering resentments toward her and my family. Due to my lack of boundaries, I was causing a disconnect between my sister and myself.

Have you ever placed too much on yourself, causing you to feel negatively toward those around you? Maybe you're doing all the work for your boss and staying past your work hours. Maybe you're the one always driving to your friend's home while you never ask them to come to you because you don't want to cause an inconvenience. Maybe you compromise your moral standards because you're afraid of losing a significant other or friendship. Whatever it may be, I want to challenge you to reflect. The chances are, if you allow yourself to set boundaries and keep to them, you will end up protecting your heart and connections with others. But, you cannot protect your heart and connection by trying to fit into every glass slipper, or you may end up harming yourself and them in the process.

What glass slipper are you trying to fit into? The slipper of perfectionism? The slipper of someone you lost? The slipper of compromising your values? The slipper of comparison? Have you ever thought that there is beauty in accepting your own slipper and protecting its value?

Claim The Truth About Who You Are

Lysa wrote in her book, "Good boundaries bring relief to the grief of letting other people's opinions, issues, desires, and agendas run our lives." Friend, you are a beautiful image of God, made to be just as you are. I want you to close your eyes and think of your younger self. Look her in the eyes and tell her what you would do to protect her now that you know what you know about boundaries. If you could provide her a safe place, help her, or guide her, what would you say? Whatever you are speaking over that beautiful little girl you are picturing in your mind, I want you to affirm that to yourself today. Chances are, you need to hear those words just as much as your younger self needed to.

There is importance in staying whole, not by your own strength, but by staying aligned with Christ. We cannot do life without Him. Lysa puts it this way, "I must stay whole by keeping what I know, what I feel, and what I do in alignment with God's truth about who I am."

I want to encourage you that the negative qualities you have spoken over yourself or others have spoken over you are not who you are. For example, I choose to speak over myself that I am a reliable friend, but if I overbook myself and take on too much responsibility, chances are that something will slip my mind or I will let a friend down. This doesn't mean I am "flaky" or "unreliable"; it just means I need to take a look at myself and set proper boundaries in order to live in alignment again. We are not our mistakes. Every lesson is an opportunity to be better than we were yesterday.

I want to live as a reflection of God's goodness, but if I don't set the right boundaries around my time, relationships, and so on, I run the risk of being a fractured person rather than someone living in the wholeness of Christ. I have been through difficult breakups, the loss of my mother, and have faced heartbreaking words spoken over me. For a long time, I had lived fractured, but every day is a choice to take those thoughts captive and choose to live as an image bearer of Jesus.

Who am I?

I am a disciple of Jesus. I am loved. I am loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, gentle, and self-controlled. These are the words I choose to speak over myself. And any time I slip up? His mercies are new, and I can get up and live in alignment with Him again. We are not defined by our circumstances, our trials, others expectations, or ugly words spoken over us. You and I are beautiful in His sight, fearfully and wonderfully made to live in the glass slippers He has placed before us.

I want to leave you with this. I want you to fill in your name in the blanks. Speak this over yourself today, friend, and guard your heart, for all that you do flows from it. I love you and I am so excited for you to choose to let go of fitting into someone else's glass slipper and seeing the beauty in your own. Becoming the best of who we are can only happen by choosing to live in the best of what Jesus Christ has done for you and me.

Colossians 3:12-16 says,

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, I, [Your Name], clothe myself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. I choose to bear with others and forgive those I have a grievance against. I, [Your Name], choose to forgive as the Lord forgave me. And over all these virtues, I put on love, which binds these virtues together in perfect unity.

I pray the peace of Christ rules in my heart, since as a member of one body, I have been called to peace. I, [Your Name], am thankful. I allow the message of Christ to dwell in my heart richly as He teaches me to admonish [set boundaries with] others with wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in my heart.

Amen.

Reflections

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. - Proverbs 4:23-25

"Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart." - Corrie Ten Boom

Matthew 11:28-30, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."