How to Say Goodbye with Grace & Dignity

Have you ever played the game "hot potato"? It's a game where players pass an object around in a circle to music. When the music stops, the person holding the object is "out."

Imagine yourself in this game. You're holding the "hot potato," but instead of an object, it represents your negative emotions: pain, disappointment, hatred, unforgiveness, loss, bitterness, and unfulfilled desires. These feelings burn you, so you try to pass them on to others for relief. However, this only intensifies the hurt and hatred. Some people you've passed the potato to have left the game, signifying their release from the pain.

You want to be out too, but you don't know how to stop the music. You've been holding onto bitterness and blaming others, even though you know it's harmful. Suddenly, you're alone in the circle. With no one to pass the potato to, you finally discard it and walk away.

Somehow you're able to move forward with healed hands and a healed heart, ready to renew old friendships, let go of some hurtful ones, and build new ones as the new, healthier you. You find yourself wishing you hadn't held onto that potato so long and had said goodbye to the game with grace a long time ago regardless of if the music stopped, but you are thankful for the lessons you learned that brought you to today.

Does this resonate with you? Are you holding onto bitterness from a painful goodbye? Are you blaming yourself or others? You're not alone. Goodbyes can be difficult, but they're sometimes necessary for healing. Some goodbyes are forever, some are for a season, but the most important thing is your recovery. The most important thing is releasing the hurt in a healthy way and having the wisdom to step away from what is causing you pain. Do you want to make this decision today? Let's work through this together.

You May Have Been Hurt, But You Don't Have to Live Hurt

First, I want to say how sorry I am for the pain you're going through. I've been in a similar situation and understand how difficult it is to relive the same disappointment over and over. It's easy to blame yourself or the other person for the hurt, pain, and trauma you're enduring. But even though you've been hurt, you don't have to live hurt. Today, I want to share what I've learned from saying goodbye with bitterness versus saying goodbye with grace and dignity and the freedom I've found in the latter.

My own goodbye from a nearly four-year relationship was incredibly difficult. I believed in the promises of a ring, a future, and family trips. When it ended abruptly, I felt incomplete, angry, and deeply rejected. I wondered, 'Were all the things he said about me true? Why am I not good enough? How could he just walk away? Am I really not worth sticking around for?' And then I would go through the guilt and burden of the situation. Did I say something I shouldn't have? Is he going to be okay without me holding him accountable? Will I ever find love again? How can I hate him and love him at the same time? What did I do wrong?' I'd think about texting him, then I'd give in and open the scar. Or he would text me, we'd get coffee, I'd be reminded of why it was so toxic, my dignity felt violated, and I'd be back at square one again.

Then, due to the heaviness of the pain, I would speak hatefully, angrily, and bitterly about him to my friends to feel relief, which only made things worse.

The way we say goodbye, what we decide to hold onto, and how we decide to move forward from the pain is crucial. One year after this relationship ended, I was with my family visiting a place I'd been with my ex-boyfriend a year prior. The good memories were bittersweet, and I was overwhelmed with anger. My sister, who had listened to me rehash things repeatedly, finally said, 'I don't feel sorry for you anymore.' She told me I needed to let go because it was hurting me. Her words were tough, but they were what I needed to hear. She refused to keep passing my "hot potato" back and forth. Though it stung, I began to realize that there was something wrong with how I was handling the situation. I needed to stop being sorry for myself and learn to let go of the pain that was weighing me down. I decided I didn't want to live hurt anymore. This goodbye would not define me.

It's Time to Accept Reality

As a Christian, I've been taught to bear the burdens of others, be at peace with everyone, and be long-suffering. But perhaps we've been interpreting these commandments incorrectly. With a wrong perspective, I've found myself trying to portray myself as a hero, staying in a toxic situation because of its potential or believing I could fix it. Instead, I should have given the situation to God and had the strength to know when to surrender.

In my past relationship, there were times of improvement, but it was clear we were two different people with different values. There were destructive habits and red flags I'd chosen to ignore because I was focused on the potential, not the reality.

Georgia, along with other southern states, recently faced the devastating impact of Hurricane Helene. As I watched the news coverage of the destruction in Florida and the storm's approach towards Georgia, a part of me clung to hope. I thought, 'Maybe it won't be as bad as it seems. Maybe it won't affect my home.' But the evidence was clear: bridges were submerged, cars were underwater, trees were uprooted, and buildings were destroyed. Despite this, I still hesitated to fully prepare for the storm. (Thankfully, I did eventually take the necessary precautions.)

My initial perspective on the storm reflects how we often behave in harmful relationships. Everyone around us can see the danger, but for those within it, it's easy to blind ourselves with our desires rather than accepting the need to prepare for a potential goodbye. We often focus on fixing the situation instead of considering how it might impact our hearts and lives. It may seem selfless, but remember, we are limited, and God is limitless. Sometimes the burden of a situation is no longer ours to carry. 

Is there a situation or person you're thinking of that you need to surrender? Choosing to surrender doesn't mean giving up; it means accepting reality. Forgiveness and reconciliation are two distinct things. If two people can no longer maintain a healthy relationship, it might be time to forgive and step away for a season or permanently, for the well-being of both individuals.

Sometimes It's Impossible to Live At Peace with Everyone...

Remember how I mentioned earlier about being brought up to live at peace with everyone? Let's examine this verse: 'If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.' - Romans 12:18.

In my past relationship, all I wanted was to forget the hurtful words and actions. I continued to pray for things to work out in my favor and hoped we could reconcile. I thought, 'Maybe this coffee date would finally be the time to hear an apology, about his growth, and how he'd made Jesus his priority.' But each time, I was left without peace. My anger towards him grew, and I found myself more concerned with his well-being than my own.

This relationship was one I could no longer live peaceably with. I had to let it go. No more annual coffee dates, hoping for improvement, giving in, or fixating on what wasn't real. Each coffee date brought words that pierced my heart. My willingness to endure this lack of peace was negatively affecting my life, my relationships, and my self-esteem.

My ex's lack of care for the harmful words and actions towards me should have been a warning sign that I could no longer be an option for him to revisit. When people hurt us, are unrepentant about their actions, and don't try to make things right, they're likely to hurt us again. The more I let this person back into my life, the more my peace was shattered and my dignity felt eroded. Their hurtful words and actions left deeper scars, and healing took longer than I had ever wanted it to.

Both parties must be seeking healing, growth, and reconciliation for a peaceful relationship to be possible. Is there someone in your life who has caused you pain each time you've let them back in? It's okay to protect your peace and let God handle their hearts. Ask yourself: Am I really willing to live this way? What is unacceptable behavior? Is this relationship making me healthier and more Godly, or is it doing the opposite?

How To Say Goodbye in a Godly Way

I recently had to say goodbye to someone I loved. I decided that I never wanted to say goodbye the way I had in the past. This time, I chose not to live hurt. I wanted to live in peace, grow, and invite God into the situation. I wanted to accept reality and say goodbye in a Godly way with grace, dignity, and strength. Do you want to do the same?

• I encourage you to pray. Pray for a heart that sees the other person as God sees them. You are both God's children, and you are both imperfect. When I recently said goodbye, I asked the person to pray for me, and I would do the same. Prayer may not change the situation, but it can change your heart and perspective, helping you move forward with grace, dignity, peace, and a softened heart.

  
  

  "But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." - Matthew 5:44

• Consider what holding onto hatred will do to your heart. Holding onto hatred is like holding onto the hot potato and hoping the other person is the one that gets burned. You choose what resides in your heart. Holding onto hatred and anger only hurts you. God instructs us to be angry but not to act out in sin. Hatred is a sin.

  
  

  There's a difference between righteous anger, like anger about a terrible injustice, and channeling that anger into finding a reasonable solution, purpose, and staying healthy and self-controlled. Unrighteous anger is responding with irrationality, aggression, and selfishness. How helpful are these traits? Are you engaging in gossip and hateful talk about the person who hurt you? 

  
  

  Share your deepest feelings and emotions with God. I promise you nothing can keep Him from loving you. Tell Him about your anger, disappointment, and hurt. Invite God into your life and seek support from trusted friends who can guide you back to Christ. Consider the following verse:

  
  

  "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger." - Ephesians 4:26

• Recognize that your goodbye might be temporary or permanent. When we're too close to a situation, it can be difficult to see it clearly. Taking a step back is a courageous thing to do for yourself and the other person, especially in times of chaos. Sometimes, a break can lead to a desire for reconciliation, while other times, stepping away permanently is the best way to live peacefully.

  
  

  "A time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away." - Ecclesiastes 3:6

• Consider still having compassion for the person who has hurt you. I know this is incredibly difficult and often easier said than done. I remember feeling like compassion was impossible all those years ago, but I want to encourage you that it is possible. Putting ourselves in someone else's shoes allows us to see things from their perspective. The person who wronged you might have pain that led to their actions. Hurt people hurt people if their own hurt isn't healed.

  
  

  When we show compassion for others, we are displaying a characteristic of Jesus. This doesn't mean you don't protect your heart, but that your heart is softened towards the other person rather than hardened with hatred

  
  

  "Even in the darkness light dawns for the upright, for those who are gracious and compassionate and righteous." - Psalm 112:4

  
  

• As Corrie Ten Boom said, 'Forgiveness is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.' Forgiveness isn't about condoning someone's actions but realizing they no longer have control over your life. Forgiveness and reconciliation are distinct. Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to allow this person back into your life, but it means choosing to set yourself free. You can choose to do this today, regardless of your feelings. An act of forgiveness can begin to heal your broken heart.

  
  

  "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." - Ephesians 4:32

  
  

• Bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies," as Joanna Weaver said. The more you nurture the seed of bitterness, the more it will sprout weeds that harden your heart and block you from seeing the goodness God has in your life and the lessons you can learn from a relationship or situation. Rather than holding onto bitterness, channel your energy into growth, physical activity, and surrounding yourself with a supportive, Godly community.

  
  

  It's important to tend to the garden of your heart and remove the weeds of bitterness that can distance you from your faith and rot you from the inside out.

  
  

  "See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no "root of bitterness" springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled." - Hebrews 12:15

  
  

• Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to set boundaries or communicate the hurt their actions cause, things may never change. I know this is difficult, but if you've exhausted all your efforts and things still aren't working, it's okay to move on and let God handle the rest.

  
  

  When things seem to worsen, establishing an end is better than waiting for the relationship to break down, causing even more pain for both of you. Communication is key. Setting a timeline for a potential goodbye if things don't change can help prepare your heart and minimize pain. Read the verse below for more insight and clarity on God's perspective on this.

  
  

  "People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God - having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people." - 2 Timothy 3:2-5

Allow Yourself to Grieve the Death of the Relationship

I remember confiding in someone when I experienced my first heartbreak. She said something I'll never forget because it's so true: "Saying goodbye to someone you love can feel like they've died." Just like when someone dies in real life, we can be hit with triggers.

As I mentioned earlier, when I visited a place I'd been to with my ex, it brought back waves of emotions and turmoil, making it feel like the relationship had just ended all over again. I'm still slightly triggered today when a song comes on the radio, reminding me of the pain I felt due to the death of that relationship.

I want to remind you though, that just because you are grieving this relationship, doesn't mean you need to open up the casket and revive it. Sometimes we need to say goodbye for good. While triggers of grief may still ebb and flow, they won't be as overwhelming as your life unfolds with new chapters. It's okay to still be sad about what you prayed could have been.

As you grieve, it's okay to acknowledge and bring your hurt, disappointments, and broken heart before God. Know that He will still be there to hold you as you honestly share every emotion you have with Him. As you process these emotions, remember to accept reality. I've had to accept reality many times, and it took years. But as I've grown from that loss, it's become easier for me to be resilient when I have to say goodbye to other relationships. The same can be true for you.

Allow yourself space to grieve, friend. Release this person to the Lord, because they are not your responsibility. Choose to let go of hatred, bitterness, unforgiveness, and pain that are weighing you down. Welcome and believe that God's goodness and mercy follow you all the days of your life. It's the truth. And if you need to grieve it and lay it all down again tomorrow, that's alright.

Remember, just as this person is imperfect, so are you and I. We all fall short. Healing also begins when we take our sins to the Lord. The good news is that they don't define us. We can lay them down as many times as we need to. Do you need forgiveness too? Perhaps both you and the other person have hurt each other. God is there to mend the fractured pieces of your heart that may currently be filled with regret and guilt. The Lord can bring you back to life.

"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." - Ephesians 4:22-24

This world is broken, and I'm so sorry for the loss you've endured. But I believe the Lord is strengthening you as you choose to say goodbye with grace and dignity. By leaning into the Lord, we can trust that God can bring goodness out of brokenness. I'm not the same person I was when I grieved that relationship from so long ago. The Lord prepared my heart for other breakups and even the loss of my mom by trusting in Him.

I believe there are better days ahead for you, friend. No matter what, I hope you believe that God's goodness and mercy follow you all the days of your life. As you say goodbye to the person you love and place them in God's hands, know that the Lord catches every tear. I pray that as you say goodbye, you also allow faith to heal your heart as you focus on your healing. I know it can.

Reflections

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." - 2 Corinthians 4:17-18

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." - Isaiah 43:18-19

"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." - Psalm 23:6

"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future." - Proverbs 31:25

Prayer

Heavenly Father,

I come before You today with a heavy heart. I’ve been carrying a burden of grief for far too long. It feels like a heavy weight that I cannot shake.

I know that You see my pain and understand the depth of my hurt. Please help me to release this burden and find peace. I choose to let go of the anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness that have been holding me back.

Help me to see this situation through Your eyes, to understand that You have a greater plan for my life. Forgive me for ways I have lacked trust in You or caused any hurt. Give me the strength to forgive and say goodbye, even when it feels impossible.

I surrender this situation to You. I trust that You will heal my heart and guide me on the path to joy and restoration.

In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.