Breaking Free from Bitter Roots

Did you know you can tell the journey of a mighty oak tree by its rings? 

Tree rings, or growth rings, are a record of a tree's life. Lighter rings signify seasons of abundant sunlight and water, while darker rings indicate slower growth periods. Wide rings often mark years of ample rain and warmth, while narrow ones suggest drought or cold.

I see a parallel in my own life. Can you see it in your life? My heart is like a tree, with its own history etched in layers. Seasons of joy and sorrow have shaped me, just as sunlight and storms influence a tree's growth. Like a mighty oak, I aspire to be strong and resilient, weathering life's storms. Yet, there have been periods of darkness when bitterness cast a shadow, hindering my growth. But with each act of forgiveness and steps in faith, I'm nurturing new life within myself, striving to become a tree abundant in life, love, and resilience.

The Seeds of Resentment

When I was in high school, I dated my high school sweetheart. I truly believed with all my heart that we were meant to be together, but after our first year of college, our relationship slowly fizzled out. The pain was so intense as I clung to the remnants of our connection. However, our paths diverged; while I yearned for stability, he wasn't ready to settle down. This harsh and utterly frustrating difference planted a seed of bitterness within me.

As time passed, news of his life filtered in through mutual friends and social media, each update a stinging reminder of what once was. As his life seemed to flourish without me, my heart became increasingly crowded with resentment. For five years, I clung to the dream of a fairytale ending. Yet, with each passing day, unforgiveness consumed me, hardening my heart and distorting my perception of God's goodness. Anger at his perceived indifference slowly consumed me. Instead of finding peace, I constructed a facade of happiness, seeking validation through external achievements and social media posts. Maybe you can relate?

Often, I turn to music to process my emotions. Music has always been a raw outlet for my deepest feelings. I wrote a song called "Cage," and looking back at the lyrics, I can still feel the entrapment I was experiencing.

I wrote, "I don’t know what life’s like without you, not sure if I want to find out. Even though now I’m better without you, I can’t seem to let myself out of this cage I built myself." For the longest time, my heart was trapped in a self-constructed prison, while I blamed my past boyfriend for my captivity. And so my life was a destructive cycle that only harmed me.

By my final year of college, despite progress, deep-rooted insecurities persisted. Bitterness held me captive, hindering my pursuit of joy. Desperate for validation, I found myself trapped in repetitive patterns, haunted by echoes of the past. When that final relationship ended, I felt utterly lost, like a puzzle with missing pieces. It’s fascinating how God can orchestrate similar challenges to prune away what is stopping us from being our best selves. Is God trying to prune something in your life?

I love how God paints it in John 15: "I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." Just as a vine needs pruning to thrive, so do we. This process, though painful, is essential for growth and abundance.

Faith and Doubt Can't Coexist

A mountain of heartbreak, punctuated by countless hurts – family disunity, the loss of my grandfather, and more – piled high, making me doubt God's goodness. I remember asking my mother and friends, “If God is good, why all of this suffering?” No answer could satisfy my growing skepticism and pessimism. But, still, I longed for unshakeable faith. Have you ever questioned God's goodness due to your hardships?

In June 2021, desperate for joy, I impulsively uprooted my life and quit my well-paying job to pursue something new. Depression and bitterness fueled my desire to escape New Jersey. I bluntly told my mother, "Mom, I hate my life. I'm quitting and moving to Georgia in two weeks." A drastic change of scenery, however, offered no relief from the darkness rotting inside me. Living with my best friend, a ministry leader, I relentlessly questioned her about God. I felt like a faithless hypocrite, though I did desire unwavering belief my mother and friend carried.

Looking back, how could I find faith while simultaneously choosing a life of bitterness, pain, and fear? Faith and doubt cannot coexist. It's important to distinguish between doubt and questioning. Questioning can be a healthy part of spiritual growth, leading to deeper understanding. But my doubts were escalating to the point of considering abandoning my faith altogether.

I'm reminded of James 1:6-8: "But when you ask God, you must believe and not doubt. Anyone who doubts is like a wave in the sea, blown up and down by the wind. Such doubters are thinking two different things at the same time, and they cannot decide about anything they do. They should not think they will receive anything from the Lord."   

You Can Never Learn Christ Is All You Need Until He's All You Have

On July 18, 2021, I poured out my heart to God in a desperate prayer, wrestling with doubt and confusion. My faith wavered as I questioned my purpose and direction. I longed for a deeper connection with God, yearning to understand and claim my faith fully. I wrote a prayer in my notes app:"I do not want to let go of my faith, and I have had this feeling to start praying more. I want You to truly help me see You fully. For me to understand and claim my faith. For it to become the most important thing to me. And for me to become the woman I always hoped I could be."

The very next day, my world shattered. My mother suffered a stage 4.5 brain aneurysm.

I have replayed the events of that night like a broken record. I remember calling my mom and pouring out of my heart of discontentment. I was ready to jump ship to a new state to find fulfillment. I was chasing an illusion of a hollow hope that could only be filled by God. What I didn’t realize: You cannot outrun bitterness, pain, or grief. My mom was concerned and urged me to stay rooted. We exchanged "I love you's" as usual, and I headed out to dinner with a friend. 

A splitting headache forced me to leave dinner early. As I reached for my phone to call mom, I received a call from my sister. Her voice, laced with terror, uttered words I never imagined I would hear: 'Mom's unconscious!' A FaceTime call from my cousin revealed a heart-wrenching scene and she used words I also never thought I would hear... "Your mom had a brain aneurysm." The world tilted on its axis. The pain in my body was inexplainable...like the biggest fist to the gut along with someone ripping out my heart. The despair that consumed me felt like I couldn't breathe. I can still feel the lump in my throat from that night. 

The next morning, my best friend drove me to the airport. I had no idea until later on that my friend prayed over me, “Lord, this is going to make or break her faith... I pray Holly chooses You.” That still brings me to tears to this day. My dad was in Georgia for work, so he flew back with me. We both cried heart-wrenchingly while we waited to board the plane. 

Seeing my mom in her hospital room was a turning point for me. It made me realize how precious time is. Reflecting on her life, I saw a woman completely devoted to God. She shared her faith effortlessly, never wasting a moment. Reading her prayers for me in her Bible showed me how lost I'd been. Her highlighted verses revealed where my true worth lies. Philippians 1:6, a verse she wrote in a letter she gave me became a guiding light: "I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Among her many quotes that she loved, one stood out: “You can never learn that Christ is all you need until Christ is all you have” – Corrie Ten Boom.

The Chiseling of Character

The months that followed my mother's death were a whirlwind of emotions. One moment, I felt a profound peace knowing mom was in heaven. The next, I was consumed by anger and resentment. I was angry with myself for wasting time on insignificant worries and for taking her for granted. I was angry that five years of my life passed me by, consumed by bitterness. And in a moment of raw honesty, I was so angry at God. One day, the anger became unbearable. I pulled over to the side of the road and screamed at the top of my lungs. It was like a dam breaking. And strangely, after that, I felt closer to God than ever before.

If you're grappling with anger or bitterness, know you're not alone. God understands the depths of human emotion. Psalm 147:3 became a true for me in that moment: "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Pouring out my pain to Him brought an unexpected peace. It was as if He whispered, "Daughter, your faith has healed you," reflecting Mark 5:34. God invites us to bring our burdens to Him, believing in His ultimate healing power. In that vulnerable moment, I felt a flicker of hope ignite within the shattered pieces of my heart. Have you ever felt consumed by anger? Let it out to God.

Now, three years later, I face a new heartache. Visiting my grandfather in Virginia last week, I shared my heart with him. "Grandad," I said, "I don't understand how, but I'm finding peace, hope, and joy. Somehow I am okay. I am not bitter. I believe God will bring good from this." He replied, "Your character's been chiseled, Holly." That simple sentence painted a beautiful picture in my mind. Yes, the pain I have endured is real, but it's also sculpted me into who I am today. I wouldn't change a thing.

Don't Look Back

One of the most freeing stories in the Bible for me, especially after losing mom, is the account of Lot's wife. God, angered by Sodom and Gomorrah's wickedness, planned to destroy the cities. He commanded Lot, Abraham's nephew, to flee with his family. He commanded them not to look back. As they escaped, Lot's wife disobeyed God’s clear instructions, looking back at the doomed cities. Her disobedience had dire consequences: she turned into a pillar of salt. The biblical phrase "remember Lot's wife" serves as a powerful warning against dwelling on the past. It's a call to focus on the Lord, trusting God’s plan. This story underscores the importance of obedience and faith over fear and longing for what once was.

Each time I dwelled on the past, my heart became more and more calcified. But when I finally turned my face toward the Lord, letting go of bitterness and anger, I discovered a freedom I never knew existed. It's a feeling I'd never want to trade for the comfort of self-pity again. It is normal to fall into self-pity and anger, but the choice to be trapped by the past or propelled by hope is ours.

I refuse to become a prisoner of my pain. Instead, I believe my pain has a purpose. The enemy meant harm, but God meant good. He entrusted me with this suffering to offer hope to others. As long as I breathe, I have a reason to live. And so do you.

Forgiveness is an Act of the Will... The Key is In Your Hands

I have been reflecting on the story of Joseph this week. As Jacob's favored son, Joseph endured intense jealousy and hatred from his brothers. Betrayed and sold into slavery, he suffered through years of hardship, including an unjust two-year imprisonment. Yet, through God's grace, he rose to become second in command in Egypt. When famine struck, his brothers, unaware of his identity, sought his help. Joseph revealed himself, not with vengeance, but with overwhelming forgiveness. Genesis 50:20 states, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Despite their evil intentions, God had a higher purpose. Joseph's suffering was transformed into a means of salvation for his family and countless others. His extraordinary forgiveness and compassion are a testament to the power of God's grace. Over time, God chiseled Joseph's character through hardship, preparing him for his ultimate calling. I don't know about you, but I want to be like Joseph.

Every trial is an opportunity to build character and spiritual resilience, preparing us for our earthly calling and eternal reward. While those who have hurt us may have caused us pain, their journey is ultimately their own. We cannot control their path, nor how it intersects with ours. Ephesians 4:31-32 reminds us to let go of bitterness, anger, and malice. We are called to be kind and forgiving, just as God forgave us in Christ. How do we do this? Corrie Ten Boom wisely said, “Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.” Forgiveness is a choice. Is unforgiveness weighing you down? Let me share a secret: some of those who hurt me never sincerely apologized. Yet, forgiveness doesn't require an apology. You can move forward in freedom today. You can choose to break free from the self-constructed prison of the past. The key is in your hands.

You know what I needed though? Community. I needed godly friends to walk alongside me and remind me of who I am in Christ. When my faith wavered, I needed someone else’s faith to lean on as I found my way back up. I needed someone to acknowledge my hurting heart and believe in the depth of my pain.

If no one has acknowledged your pain yet, I do. I am so sorry you went through what you went through. I’m sorry for the hurtful things that were said, and for the things that should have been said but weren’t. I’m sorry for the heartbreak you've had to endure. I believe in the pain you experienced.

But friend, it’s time to rise again. It’s time to stop holding onto the pain.

Remember we are God's masterpieces. I know this might be difficult to hear, but even those who have hurt us are created in His image. We are royalty, unconditionally loved. Choosing love over hatred and bitterness liberates us. Celebrating others can free us from jealousy. If you've felt hurt by God, I understand. Bring your anger to Him. I promise He will welcome you with open arms. Just as a loving father disciplines and guides a child, God does the same out of love. Embrace His strength, rely on Him, and live in the confidence that comes from truly knowing Him. You are an overcomer. You know how I know? You've made the choice to read this to grow and learn. Together, we'll watch God transform our pain into a beautiful oak tree, a testament of His goodness. As Lysa TerKeurst wisely said, "Your heart is too beautiful a place to be tainted by hurt, haunted by resentment, or held back by bitterness." Let's choose Jesus today.

Reflections

"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice." - Ephesians 4:26-31

Prayer

Dear Lord, 

as I reflect on the journey of my life, I see the seasons of growth and challenges mirrored in the rings of a tree. Just as a tree's strength comes from enduring storms, my character has been shaped by life's trials. I confess to the times I've allowed bitterness to take root, hindering my growth. Forgive me for dwelling on the past and seeking validation in the wrong places.

Help me to embrace the pruning process You are leading me through. Give me the strength to release the pain of the past and to trust in Your plan for my future. I long to be a tree rooted in Your love, bearing fruit that brings glory to Your name.

In Jesus' name, Amen.